SATIRE

There is Only One Type of “Animal Testing” That I Support

It involves you sticking chemicals in my eye while calling me princess

In the age of COVID vaccination, animal testing is a more contentious topic than ever. Proponents say most of our life-saving medical progress would not have been achieved without the tests. Detractors say “first, do no harm” should apply to animals too and that the torture we inflict on millions will have devastating karmic consequences.

Chillax, everybody. I, Miss Phoenix the Flexible Masochist, would like to settle this debate once and for all. Please, let the rats, dogs, and monkeys be free — experiment on me instead.

You see, most sentient life forms hate being tortured. As for me, nothing make me happier than being kept in a cage and cut open with a scalpel. Force me to swallow a “toxic substance” any time, baby. I am an exemption from Article 5 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment… except for Phoenix, because she likes it. 😇

Just for fun, I can even wear my Minnie Mouse pajamas or my Lola Bunny onesie!

My preference is to be vivisected by a hot British Indian lab tech who calls me princess. However, I am a non-discriminatory independent contractor. I’ll sign on to be anyone’s guinea pig as long as they be sure to include pyrogenicity tests.

Not familiar? Pyrogenicity is when the good samaritan scientists test a substance on rabbits to see if it causes dangerously high body temps. This bunny here would be much better suited; nothing gets me hot like a drug-induced fever!

I am SSSOOOOOOOO honored that I could keep civilians safe while having the BDSM time of my life!

But wait. You see an obvious hitch to this plan. How could just one girl like me satisfy the giant demand for animals in research?

Easy solution: Clone me, betch! Masochism is in my DNA. Any 100% match you make of me is bound to share my unquenchable penchant for pain and humiliation. Millions of my clones will be giddily lining up to get tumors. Then you can test cancer cures on us. Finally animal experimentation can be an ethical non-issue.

Soon there will be no more excuse to dissect frogs either. Science teachers can bulk-order their baby Phoenix clones! My only regret is that this could cause layoffs over at PETA. Y’all will have nothing left to protest!

In case you were starting to connect the dots, I’m actually the same girl you saw lying half-naked on the sidewalk. That’s right, I was covered in fake blood that day. Sitting inside a jumbo meat package, wrapped in plastic, in the middle of winter.

My skin shivered with pleasure from the degradation. Yet the gig wasn’t nearly enough to satisfy my fantasies…

So in my final act of solidarity with cute fluffy animals (and rats — eek!), I would like to donate my body to science… except NOT have to wait till I’m dead!

Coast Guard, I’m here to test out your military weapons. National Academy of Sciences, I’m waiting on your pristine white lab coats. That’s right, calling you guys out. When are you going to take me up on this incredible offer?

Save the fish, the mice, the hamsters, the cats, the macaques… Even if 10% of the innocent creatures you test on turn out to secretly be masochists, that’s still millions of animals every year being put through senseless abject suffering.

From now on, pick someone who isn’t so innocent.

This “animal” right here is ready to be liberated. ;)

I hope to co-create a happy humanity that’s kind to animals. Make me smile by donating to my fundraiser or joining 10 Weeks to Vegan! teamvegan.org/team/Phoenix

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