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SATIRE
There is Only One Type of “Animal Testing” That I Support
It involves you sticking chemicals in my eye while calling me princess
In the age of COVID vaccination, animal testing is a more contentious topic than ever. Proponents say most of our life-saving medical progress would not have been achieved without the tests. Detractors say “first, do no harm” should apply to animals too and that the torture we inflict on millions will have devastating karmic consequences.
Chillax, everybody. I, Miss Phoenix the Flexible Masochist, would like to settle this debate once and for all. Please, let the rats, dogs, and monkeys be free — experiment on me instead.
You see, most sentient life forms hate being tortured. As for me, nothing make me happier than being kept in a cage and cut open with a scalpel. Force me to swallow a “toxic substance” any time, baby. I am an exemption from Article 5 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.
No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment… except for Phoenix, because she likes it. 😇
Just for fun, I can even wear my Minnie Mouse pajamas or my Lola Bunny onesie!
My preference is to be vivisected by a hot British Indian lab tech who calls me princess. However, I am a non-discriminatory independent contractor. I’ll sign on to be anyone’s guinea pig as long as they be sure to include pyrogenicity tests.
Not familiar? Pyrogenicity is when the good samaritan scientists test a substance on rabbits to see if it causes dangerously high body temps. This bunny here would be much better suited; nothing gets me hot like a drug-induced fever!
I am SSSOOOOOOOO honored that I could keep civilians safe while having the BDSM time of my life!
But wait. You see an obvious hitch to this plan. How could just one girl like me satisfy the giant demand for animals in research?
Easy solution: Clone me, betch! Masochism is in my DNA. Any 100% match you make of me is bound to share my unquenchable penchant for pain and humiliation…
